Our Lowly Bodies

 

I have a friend who, when embarrassed by her special needs daughter in public, later complained to her husband about how she felt.  Her husband lovingly chastised her to "stop right there" - did she think she was better than her daughter? This story struck me, and has stayed with me for years.  What a loving and wise father and husband.  This happened well before my daughter was even a twinkle in my eye.  It helped develop how I view the world. 

Proverbs 14:31:

"Whoever oppresses a poor man insults his Maker, but he who is generous to the needy honors him."

      SInce my daughter was born, I feel like I've been fighting for her dignity since the maternity ward.  How dare that woman from records say "I'm sorry" when learning of her diagnosis?  Since she was born, I have been on the offensive - "you WILL love my child! look at how beautiful!" It hurts me, on behalf of her and those like her, when people think her condition is undesirable. The vanity of this world is so strange. So, I have been walking around uselessly injured, unbeknownst to those who hurt me.  My kids have a saying. "That sounds like a 'you' problem, Mom." Praying for a charitable heart, the truth of that becomes clearer and clearer. I cannot dictate to another how they deal with an unexpected circumstance. But I want to. Pray for me.  

     Yesterday was World Down Syndrome Day.  I don't reject the notion of having a day to celebrate our "special" kids and advertise how remarkable they are.  I love it.  What I take umbrage at is that we need to show the world, justify, in a sense, their humanity.  I happen to have a child with DS, but it could be ANY anomaly, any disease, any condition that is atypical...every one of our children is fully human. Worthwhile. Necessary. 

     Because DS is a repeat of the 21st chromosome, March 21st was chosen to be World Down Syndrome Day.  Because of 3/21, I went in search of Holy Scripture, any book, to see what each ch.3, verse 21 had to say.  Some were irrelevant to my purpose (I'm not fully sure what my purpose was, other than to find something that applied to where I am right now), but didn't Philippians 3:21 come up:

Philippians 3: 

"And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."

     To me, this verse proves that we are all broken, on a level playing field, equal to the guy next to us.  We all have lowly bodies.  We are a fallen people.  We all have sin, and vanity and pride and bad hearts and TBIs and bum legs and failed kidneys and anxiety and depression and cancer, or any malady.  

     One day all of our bodies will stop.  Our bodies are not who we are.  We will be freed the bonds of this plane, and we'll each have our transfiguration moments, of a sort, when we will be seen as we truly are, and we hope, with grace and mercy, go to Heaven where we will be free of ailments.  

     Are diagnoses that are genetically detectable before birth any different? I would argue that these pure souls will touch God's face LONG before the rest of us. 

     Are they to be mourned? Or do we serve Our Lord, Creator of each one of us, who knew us before He formed us, when we delight in the gift of every child He sees fit to send us, for us to care for as our own.... 

     

My Child Is Good

     I am not a wise person, nor particularly bright, but there are a few things I've picked up along the way (this is not the inclusive list).

     One of the first things you will often hear new parents say is, "It's not about me anymore."  God's Design and Infinite Wisdom is so evident.  Just as Our Lady's motherhood helps us to fall in love with her Son in the Infant, our babies awaken in us a love that indelibly imprints on our hearts, and everything we do is for this child. These children. We love them first, the most, more than our own lives.  They are our favorite people.  We like them. 

    This is good.  This is very very good.  Because those bundles of innocence one day turn into three-yr-olds.  They made us love them (thank you, Lord, for the Design), therefore we are able to deal with "three".  Then seven.  Then eleven.  And we are able to keep our thumbs on them, their worlds revolve around us, and we kind of like it that way, I think. We say something  - It shall be. We're in charge.  This, of course, is part of the purpose of childhood - they learn the rules, they learn what's expected of them, they learn how to do things, and we give them a foothold on autonomy.  You know, so they can be good adults, go into the world, be capable, and lead responsible lives.

      Then, well....then come the NEXT years.  You know, where they have to put their autonomy into action.  Where they need to make their own decisions.  And we have to LET them. 

     I want to say a few things.  They are not universal.  They are not aimed at extreme cases.  I am still learning.  I am not done rearing my children and I have no idea what's in store for all of them, or for me, in the years to come.  However, some of my big kids are adults now.  It wasn't always easy, and still isn't, and some lessons were a long time coming, and some were VERY VERY HARD!  But I know some stuff now, especially regarding our older children - our teenagers: 

     - Your child will do bad things. 

     - Your child will be belligerent. 

     -  Your child will embarrass you. 

     -  Your child will get carried away and exhibit poor judgement.  

     -  Your child will disappoint you. 

     -  Your child will break expensive things. 

     -  Your child will enrage you.

     -  Your child will make you feel betrayed by them.

   

Nota Bene: your child is NORMAL! They're stupid...and normal. (sometimes it's a humbling thing, isn't it, when we thought ours were better than the other ones).

      I've been blindsided.  I've been enraged.  I've been shocked.  I've felt betrayed.   I remembered something, though.  I remembered that it's not about me.  I also remembered that my child is not his actions.  My child is not defined by what she does wrong:  

      - My child is good. 

      - My children are the same people who stole my heart before they were born.  

      - My child does more good than wrong.  

      - My child is good. 

      -  My children, despite their failures, need to know they are loved. 

      - They need to know, despite their failures, that they have security. 

      - My child is good. 

      - A car can be repaired easier than a broken heart or spirit.

      - My child needs guidance, not rejection. 

      - My child is good

      - My child may need punishment, but I need to have perspective about the severity of the infraction.

      - My child, guaranteed, was not thinking about betraying/hurting/embarrassing ME when they did whatever. 

      - My child is good.

      - No institution, school, group, or team deserves my loyalty over my child.

       - My child feels worse about what happened than I do, because she lacks the perspective of a more experienced world-view. 

       - My child is good.

So, sadly, there's no handbook.  I messed SO much up. I'm going to again.  Now, though, I have a child who's learning to be an adult, and even though we don't have the same control over them as when they were small (nor should we), we are still so paramount and central to their world.  This may be more crucial now than when they were babies.  My most fervent prayers are for my children. I pray that I don't overreact when they do wrong.  I pray that I remember to not be heavy handed; that when I'm hysterical about something that's "not so bad", what's left? 

I see a lot of similarities in what they need as in what I need.  I need, and ask daily, for forgiveness.  You know how pitifully we ask Our Lord to show us mercy, even underserved?  We have to give that same, loving, parental forgiveness.  I need, know, and see daily, the assurance that I am loved, I am remarkable, I am worthy, I am wonderfully and fearfully made.  I MUST mete that same security to the child who relies on me to instill it, as a microcosm for Our Father's love.  I make mistakes; I sin and I sin big; and then I pray that, in my sorrow, God can't see my transgression anymore.  My child needs me to recognize the other parts of his life that he's experiencing, not just what he recently did.  There is more to me than the harm I commit.  My child is more valuable to me than anything, despite their mistakes. 

 

It's not about me.  Perspective is everything.

These children. We love them first, the most, more than our own lives.  They are our favorite people.  We like them.